First off, thank you mom for coming and filling in as mom, chef, chauffeur, and referee for the multiple fights you will need to break up between my sweet, sweet kids that you call your grand babies, while I am off having yet another surgery. I just want to take you day to day so you know what to expect and the time frame that they will need to be done.
6 am. You will be thinking to yourself, "Ah shit, Adi is already awake." Don't worry, when you hear her start to open your door, lay very still and pretend to be asleep. If she thinks you are asleep, there is a good chance she will head down stairs to watch tv. Occasionally she will get into the cookie butter and eat almost a whole jar by herself before you decide to come down around 6:30 to get your coffee. And you better hope you made it strong and remembered to turn on the automatic timer the night before. Trust me, you are going to need it, and I'm talking about the whole damn pot. You see, it may not seem like that big of a deal, but girlfriend was probably up way past her bedtime the night before, which is why she woke up so freaking early. Kids like to play mean that way. Also, she just filled her sleep deprived body with a jar of sugar. So grab your coffee, chug and wait for it....Tantrum #1 and it's only 7am.
7am. Breakfast time. While you start to make your breakfast, you ask Adi if she is hungry yet. She will say no. She almost always says no the first time you ask. Then, right after you finish making your breakfast and sit down to eat, she will tell you she is now hungry. Its usually been 5 minutes. How on earth you can go from not being hungry to damn right HANGRY in 5 minutes, i do not understand. Don't even think about taking that first bite. Adi always wants a toasted waffle with peanut butter for breakfast. Here's the thing, there are multiple ways you can present a toasted waffle with peanut butter and only one of them is the right way. Sometimes she wants two toasted waffles with peanut butter on one side and cookie butter on the other, then put together to make a waffle sandwich. Sometimes she wants one with sliced banana on it, sometimes she wants one toasted waffle with peanut butter, cut up with a few sprinkles. She might even demand a candle, even though her freaking birthday was weeks ago. Don't even try to make her something other than a waffle. Eggs, toast, yogurt, cereal...yeah it will get thrown back in your face and you will still end up making the damn waffle. It's not worth your time or sanity. Once you finish Adi's breakfast, yours is probably a little cold, as is your coffee. She will sit down and take one bite and then won't come back for another for like 30 minutes. She will now want to watch a show on Netflix. You need to use the little remote to switch the tv over to Netflix. It will take her a good 5 minutes to decide what she wants to watch. You have already used up half of your daily allotted patience, and it's only 7:30. She'll usually choose Princess Sophia. Until she decides she would rather watch PJ masks, except it's not on Netflix, it's on Demand. So, you will have to take the little remote, switch it back to HDMI 1 and then go to Xfinity on Demand, find kids, scroll down for PJ masks. Five minutes later she will probably ask for Heidi, except Heidi isn't on Demand, it's on f***ing Netflix. That's right, go heat up your coffee for the second time and try to refrain from adding a shot to it.
Braedon is easy, he will come down stairs, usually a little after 7, sometimes a little before. Go ahead and ask him what he wants, but he will usually choose a waffle with peanut butter as well, although he also likes eggs and toast for breakfast every once in awhile too. Don't worry, you can cut his up however the hell you want and he will just eat it anyway. After Braedon is done eating, it will be time for him to go back upstairs to get ready for school. I usually pick his clothes out the night before because, bless his heart, he has no sense of style and will come down in an outfit that will make you question if he is color blind. No, he's not color blind. He's good at math. After Braedon is completely ready for school and has done his morning chores (clears his plate, feeds the dogs) he can play video games until it is time to walk down to the bus.
8:13 am. It's time to walk down to catch the bus! It is supposed to arrive at 8:15, but it is usually late. Adi will say she doesn't want to walk down until you are headed out the door. She then changes her mind even though her hair is a complete rats nest, she is still wearing the same pajamas she has had on since yesterday morning, and she is barefoot. She will want to ride in the stroller. Don't forget to grab Braedon's lunch out of the fridge and make sure he has two peanut free snacks. Peyton is probably still eating, and Bailey is probably trying to eat her dish because she ate her food in 5 seconds but thinks she is still starving. Hurry out the door to wait for the bus for an extra 5 minutes because, yes it is late again. Adi will ride down in the stroller, but the minute you get to the bus stop she will want to get out and run around like a crazy lunatic for all to see the train wreck that she already is. Try not to be too embarrassed. Everyone is used to it by now and probably expect nothing else.
8:20 am. Braedon is off to school. You walk back up the hill and realize that Adi is 5 years old and 45 pounds and you are FEELING IT as you push her butt up back to the house. It's ok to curse her name under your breath, I do. You will come in to find that Peyton's dish is completely empty and that Bailey had finished it off. Remember, if Peyton's dish is completely empty, Bailey did it. Peyton ALWAYS leaves food in her dish. Bailey will look guilty but I'm sure she won't regret her lack of will power.
8:30 am. It's time to get Chuckie, I mean Adi ready for school. If you thought breakfast was ridiculous, boy are you in for a real treat. Ok, now you can add a shot to your coffee before you heat it up for the 4th time. I won't judge. Take a deep breath, it's time for battle. I mean, it's time to pick out the day's outfit. She will always pick a summer dress. Except it's not summer anymore. She won't care. She will ask for your opinion, you will give it, and she will pick something completely different. After debating over a dress or tutu with legging or tights, and which shirt to wear with it, you guys will finally agree on something. Except the outfit won't feel right or it will be too itchy or the pockets will look funny, so she will demand to take it off and you will be back at square one. Take a sip. Fifteen minutes later and Adi will finally be dressed. Now she will want to pick out some accessories to wear. Again, she will ask for your opinion on about 4 different necklaces, and a couple of bracelets. You will give your opinion on which ones you like with that outfit and she will pick a completely different set. Just move on because now its time for shoes. Should she wear her brown boots, her Uggs, her rain boots, her Toms? By this time you won't f***ing care. Just tell her to pick out a pair of shoes and meet you downstairs because even though you started this process at 8:30, it is now 9 am and you have to leave in 8 minutes to get her to school by 9:15, and you still haven't done her hair. She will have probably gone to bed with wet hair the night before so her hair will be one huge ass knot that you will have to very carefully try to get out without touching her head. Because it hurts! She will yell at you to stop so you just have to keep saying you are almost done even though you've only untangled a quarter of her hair. Just give up and throw the whole knot in a pony tail. Make sure Adi has her backpack, her water bottle and her peanut free lunch. Head out the door, and hop in the car. Adi likes to sit in Braedon's booster seat on the way to school and her car seat on the way home. Make sure she hasn't smuggled her freaking blanket into her back pack. She will want to take it with her, but it has to stay in the car. Oh and when you get home, just leave the blanket in the car because she will want it for the drive home. That nasty corner is like crack and she hasn't had a fix in like 4 hours, so she is raging and going through withdrawals by the time you need to go get her.
9:15 am. It's time to drop Adi off at school. She will be completely fine about going to school and even act excited until it is time for you to say good bye. Then all hell breaks loose. She will start crying, screaming, crossing her arms and huffing that she doesn't want to go to school. She may even yell for everyone to hear that she HATES SCHOOL! over and over. You finally just have to peel her off your leg, hand her over to a teacher and book it before she can catch you. Don't worry, the minute you leave, she is totally fine. How she can flip the switch so fast is impressive and alarming.
9:22 am. You are FREE!!!! Take a deep breath, go home and finish your coffee. RELAX for a little bit. You may feel the need to lock yourself in your closet, even though you are actually home alone and don't need to lock it but it is just habit, and rock yourself in the fetal position as you hum the same tune over and over again. Whatever you need to do, I won't judge. However, this is when I usually work out, shower, do the house work, fold laundry, vacuum, mow the lawn, make the kids' lunches for the following day. Damn, then just like that, it is already time to pick up Adi. Even though you can probably think of a few other names you would rather call her, try to keep it to yourself.
1:15 pm. You arrive and grab the little princess who is in a delightfully good mood. Ask her about her day and she will usually tell you it was great! Except for this one kid named Reese. Apparently he's a little asshole. You buckle her into her carseat and pray to God that you remembered blankie. Adi is usually pretty tired after her day and usually is in need of a snack. This snack almost always include peanut butter. She loves peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Except, just like breakfast, it's not that easy. She likes her sandwich with the crust cut off, but then you have to cut the sandwich vertically into strips and then horizontally so you make little squares. Why? I don't know. Maybe she likes to pretend she's a f***ing giant. I also like to give her a fruit and a veggie to go along with it, because that is what is always left over from her school lunch. She loves plain, raw spinach, grapes, apple slices, apple sauce, and raw broccoli. She will eat her snack and if your lucky she will pass out on the couch for a couple hours because she's been up since 6 am as is exhausted, even though she claims she's not. If she doesn't nap....
2 pm. Wine time. Coffee just doesn't cut it anymore. It's time to bring out the big guns.
4 pm. Braedon's home! He always comes home in such a good mood and is excited to tell you about his day. He LOVES school. I always ask him what his favorite part the day was, one new thing he learned, who he ate lunch with, and who he played with at recess. Braedon comes home starving. He usually drops his shoes and backpack, takes a pee, and then heads straight for the pantry and raids it like he hasn't eaten in days. Yeah, I hope he washed his hands too. You will need to stop him mid raid because he will eat straight crap. Tell him he needs to pick one fruit, one veggie, and then he can pick one snack on his own. After he finishes his snack, he is roaring to go and is so feisty. Pair that with a sleep deprived 5 year old and you will have WWIII. Braedon knows exactly what to do to piss Adi off and vice versa. Pour yourself a second glass of wine, send them to their rooms until they can workout their issues and open the US weekly that is on the counter. Don't expect to get too far though, they will be down 5 minutes later claiming they made up and are good. Except they will be hungry again.
5 pm. It's time to figure out what to make for dinner while you have two kids nipping at your heels. If you ask them what they want, Braedon will always say Sushi and Adi will want Mac and Cheese. Since you are already down 2 glasses of wine, sushi is out, so you get Braedon to agree on Mac and Cheese, even though that's what they ate the night before. The problem is that Braedon likes the white shelled mac and cheese and Adi likes the yellow noodles. What the hell do you do now? I usually grab the box that I can reach on my tip toes without having to get a chair and tell them to deal. If you grab the white shelled box, Braedon is happy and Adi usually ends up on the floor looking like the exorcist. If you choose the yellow noodles, Adi is happy and Braedon will just eat it anyway. Whenever I let them eat mac and cheese for dinner, I always make them eat a fruit, veggie, and a protein BEFORE they get to eat the mac and cheese. If you give it to them at the same time, they will down the mac and cheese like a starving dog on the street and then be conveniently too full to eat their veggies. However, they will always have room for dessert. Go figure.
6 pm. Hang in there. Derek should be home soon. Try not to look at the clock every 2 minutes because I swear it just makes time go by slower. Daddy is home!! and Adi is all of a sudden the sweetest little girl and you are wondering to yourself where the hell she has been all day. She is so sweet and asks him about his day, all while you are sitting back calling her a little bitch under your breath. It's ok, I won't judge.
7 pm. Adi's bedtime! Go ahead and ask Adi to go put on her pajamas, floss and brush her teeth, and you will meet her upstairs to tuck her in. She will probably flail herself on the floor while crying, claiming she is too tired to do those things and needs you to help her. After she is already for bed, she will ask for a bedtime story. She will want the longest princess story that she has. You will finish the story, give her a kiss and say I love you's. Right as you are about to close the door and praise baby Jesus that you made it through the day, you will hear a little voice that probably sounds like nails on a chalkboard to you by this point. She will want fresh water in her water bottle. Even though it is completely full. She will then think of something to tell you that she forgot tell you earlier in the day. She might want you to sing her a song.
7:30 pm. It's time for Braedon to get ready for bed. We like to have him be in his room for the night by 8 pm. Braedon will head upstairs to get ready for bed. He can do everything on his own and knows what needs to be done. However, you will head upstairs to say good night at 8 and he will be laying on the floor, either naked or in his underwear, looking at a book or playing with his legos. His teeth will not be brushed, he will not have gone pee, he will not have flossed. Take a deep breath. Remind him what he needs to be doing. Give him a hug and kiss and say goodnight. Don't think this is the last time you will see him until morning though. Braedon will come downstairs approximately 97 times to get a snack, tell us a story, tell us a fact he learned that day, ask us a question, play with the dogs, grab another snack, jump on the couch, ask us another question, tell us another fact.
9 pm. Even though Braedon is still up, you can just go to bed. Just make sure you made the coffee and set the timer because tomorrow morning you get to do it all over again.
*Each day will not be the same. On Monday's and Wednesday's Braedon has soccer games at 6 pm. You will spend the hour trying to watch his game and cheer him on all while trying to keep an eye on Adi who will want to play on the toys at the park. On Tuesdays, Adi has gymnastics at 3:50, which she loves. Braedon will not be home yet, so you will need to drop his parkour stuff off at Kim's house and he will meet you at the gym at 5. Adi's gymnastics goes until 4:50, you will meet up with Braedon and walk around back to the parkour gym. While Braedon is at parkour, you will need to keep Adi entertained for the hour. Bring her blanket! You will regret it if you don't, trust me. She will want to watch youtube videos on your phone, very loudly, on how to make your own lip gloss. You will tell her to turn it down 45 times and hope she doesn't ask you to make lip gloss when you get home. She will also be hungry. Make sure you pack her a couple snacks. She will ask you which one she should eat first. You will give your opinion and she'll choose the opposite.
